flashback: how does it feel?

This journal entry was from April 23rd, ten years ago. Can't believe it. I remember a lot of feelings from “being sick.” That's what we call it at my house. Fear, guilt, anger, hope, frustration, resolution. And then I read on in the journal and discovered some feelings I don't remember…

I feel lonely. Not because there aren’t a hundred people around, thinking good thoughts and praying for me but because all of a sudden I’m different. Even in a crowded bar or the mall where no one knows. I’m different. I have cancer. And I have to fight it. I have a great support team but I have to do it. Alone. And you know that when you’re in a room alone. It’s big and white and sterile and there’s a CAT scan Star Trek looking thing – and you. Even the nurse leaves and it’s cold and quiet except for the computer voice telling you to breathe. That’s alone. And lonely.

Of all the things I remember about the cancer year, I didn’t remember being lonely. Granted, I did have some pretty sweet drugs which helped make a lot of the worst bits not so bad, but this made me sad and it makes me feel sad for all the people who are dealing with it today. I guess I still feel different but now I share my story and it’s almost sad how many people have a story too. Nothing you can say will make people feel less alone, because cancer is a battle that you ultimately fight alone, even though you may have legions of soldiers on your side. But there are so many people who are affected by cancer, you shouldn’t ever have to feel lonely.

The good news is that I am not alone and I’m only lonely when I let myself be. I have so many people wishing for and believing in my recovery. I can almost feel their energy carrying me when mine isn’t enough.

I’m not a religious, churchy person but I totally dig the power of prayer or energy or shakras or whatever you want to call it that creates that energy. My grandparents were Christian Scientists and believed that they had the power to heal themselves. Who knows…maybe we do. I mean, I’m all down with the chemo and radiation and some kick-ass painkillers but I took any prayer, good thought, get well card, subliminal messaging heal-thyself tape, blessing, whatever and added it to my warchest. It seems like when you channel positive energy, you really can accomplish anything.