flashback: the first meeting - after

We met our possible future birth mother last night. We were joking around before we left trying to guess what she looks like and boy, did we both get it wrong! She’s really cute. Blonde, blue eyed and tall! Apparently she’s 5’11” – can you believe that? But she’s a very smart, nice, well-mannered girl who seems to love her family, loves to read, likes sports – she plays volleyball and basketball in school, wants to go to college and get a degree in psychology, was raised Catholic and likes big dogs. She seemed perfect and Scott and I both felt like she would fit right into our families at a holiday dinner. She also seemed really confident in her decision. 

Hopefully we made a good impression even though I told her that Scott was a cheerleader, probably not a real great selling point for a girl who’s into sports and her boyfriend, the baby daddy is also a football, basketball player. Woops! But it was funny. It was definitely a nerve wracking and wrecking experience but I think it was good and hopefully we follow through with a second meeting that’s maybe a little more comfortable. She was very interested in what we were thinking of naming the baby – nothing gay – so we’ll have to think about that. We brainstormed some last night and I think we’re leaning toward Nicholas Tagg. Nickelas Tagg Harmer, but we’ll probably call him Tagg. If he’s going to be a big smart good looking kid, I think he can pull that off.  We may have to rethink the baby room. I know, I know. But if we get a girl next, we can totally save the bumble bee stuff, right? Anyway, now we just have to wait for her to decide if she wants to sign the match contract and then we can start telling people. The anticipation is crazy!

I’m going to head to the gym in a bit for a good run and then a swim. I was meant to swim yesterday and I just couldn’t make myself get in the pool. I don’t know what my aversion is to it. I think sometimes it’s tough to tack that on to another work out, or maybe it’s just because it’s a process to swim, like you should just be able to hop in and go, or maybe it’s the swimsuit, or maybe it’s because it’s the thing that I am the least graceful at. But we have our open water swim clinic in less than 3 weeks so I need to get my ass in the pool and get up to speed. Lynne is still doing the swim from Alcatraz. I think she’s absolutely insane but I’m so proud of her! It’s also only 2 weeks from the Wasatch Back race. Can you believe that? The time just flew by! I’m really happy that I signed up for this. It’s really making me enjoy the freedom of running and I love running outside. It’s nice to be able to count on my own energy to get places! Plus I like the effects it’s creating on my body – not counting the Achilles tendonitis! I’ll be happy when the weather decides to be summer. It’s been just sketchy. A good day or two and now we’re back to rain and snow. Ugh. Hopefully we’ll get some good sun this weekend at the lake while we’re celebrating!

flashback: the first meeting - before

Well, I’m officially freaked out. Technically, I’ve probably been freaked out all day. The time is going like molasses. Seriously! How can it only be 4:20…that’s still 2 hours away! Before we even have to leave!  I still have no idea what I’m going to wear. I have played through so many scenes in my head that I think I’m going nuts. I’ve got old Bachelorette re-runs on in the background to distract myself (not working). I have accomplished virtually nothing workwise today because I can’t focus. I did have a pretty good workout so now I feel like I need to for a run or something but I can’t because then I’ll be all sweaty and stuff. I wonder if Juno has been having the same day. I mean this is as terrifying and nerve wrecking (wracking? That’s really a word? What the hell?! Hah, you learn something new every day!) as a first blind date, a job interview and meeting the in laws for the first time all wrapped into one! 

 I know that at the end of the day we just have to be ourselves and hope for the best. That’s really all we can do, right? And we want to be comfortable that we’ve put our best, most honest face forward and hope that she’s doing the same. And more important – that she likes us! Like Sally Field said at the Oscars, you like me! You really like me! I can’t imagine if she picks us and the clock starts ticking, that’s going to be so fast. 

But I shouldn’t get ahead of myself, should I. One thing at a time and remember that there are no guarantees. I feel like a complete nut job today, thinking about planning a baby shower, getting the room ready and stuff, names – what names?!, how are we going to tell our parents, our friends, what happens if the baby’s early or late, what will she look like, what does Paulie look like, why did they pick us other than the notable absence of fairy tale horseshit and the fact that we’re not a family with a half-dozen kids already. Are we really ready and fit to be parents? I mean this is a big responsibility! And although I like to think we can do a more respectable job than a 14 year old, who knows! No, I know the answer to that. How are we going to tell Scott’s family that we can’t make the houseboat trip – oh, because we’re getting a baby! That’s why. Wait, maybe. See, here goes the roller coaster carny ride again! All damn day long, I tell you! Scott likes to sing that doo-doo-doodle-ooo-doo-doo-doodle-ooo circus music to describe what’s going in my head sometimes. Today it’s actually pretty dead on! –sigh- Okay, maybe I’ll go do some yoga or something and see if I can turn off the crazy for a bit and get into a calm spot.

flashback: the call

Journal entry from May 27th, 2008: 

Today was a big day! We got the call! I’m not sure what I expected but I had a message from our adoption coordinator and my heart just started pounding. So I’m telling myself calm down, don’t get too excited, she’s probably just calling to see if we decided to change our profile at all. So I listened to the message and sure enough, they have a birth mom who is interested in us! I can’t believe it! I was in absolute shock, completely stunned. It’s so funny because it was the call we’ve been waiting for and when it came, I was so totally unprepared. I sat on the couch in my office for a minute and just tried to breathe and soak in the moment. I am so grateful and thrilled and scared and nervous! So what now? I called Amber and she gave me the lowdown. The birth mom is from out of state. Her name is Juno. I’ve always loved that name (not Juno, but her real name, although Juno is cool too). She’s only 14, can you believe it? But she has a boyfriend who is 16 and wants to be involved in the process. She’s due August 1^st and it’s a boy. A boy! Cute little baby boy! I felt like an idiot on the  phone with Amber. I had no idea what to say, what to ask, I could barely make a complete sentence I think. So anyway we’re meeting with her and her aunt on Tuesday. Talk about some pressure! It’s so hard, we haven’t wanted to tell anyone until after the meeting just to make sure. I guess this is a roller coaster we need to ride alone for the time being. And I know that we need to be as thrilled as we are but grounded in reality a bit too. I mean she’s young, she has two more months to think about this and she has a boyfriend which they say is the biggest risk of deciding to parent at the last minute but I’m hopeful and thankful that maybe our baby has found us finally.

It was such odd timing too because yesterday my friend Amy emailed us all and said that she’s pregnant. It was such a blow for some reason. I mean it really kind of threw me off earlier in the day. I was just thinking – if she makes a baby before we even get a call I’ll…I don’t know what! It’s hard because I am truly happy for her but I was soooo jealous and kind of feeling sorry for myself and then boom! Here comes the call! How’s that for timing?!

I was so over the top all day! We went to dinner and drinks for Little’s birthday and then went to the Sex and the City movie – which was deliciously cheesy and girlie. The whole audience was dressed up in their SATC finest. I’ve never seen so many great shoes and cute outfits – especially at a movie in Utah! It was a fun night and I have no idea how I managed not to spill the beans all night long. Thank goodness I was able to tell Tiffany, otherwise I probably would have burst! I can’t wait to tell our parents and everyone but it’s scary too knowing that something could change any minute for the next two months – and that’s assuming that Tuesday goes well!

I wonder what Juno is like, what her boyfriend is like, how they’ve gotten to this place and how they’re dealing with it. It’s got to be so much emotion for people so young. But who knows, who knows what kind of girl she will be or why she is making such a brave and generous choice, or what she saw in us that made her feel like she might want us to raise her baby. I’m sure she’s wondering the same thing about us. You know, if we’re as cool as our book made us look. Hah! Just kidding!

It’s so hard to imagine that in 2 months we could have a little baby in our house. Everything changes. I pray that we will be good parents. I pray that the baby will be healthy. I pray that Juno and her boyfriend are making the right choice and that they like us. I pray that all of our dreams are going to come true. I am going to start writing more regularly now so that when we start our baby book we can share with the baby our elation and fear and joy and love for both him and his birth parents. I’m sure that it’s not something I’m likely to forget anytime soon but it will be great to have stories from these crazy days to share.

Good lord! What do you wear to an interview? What questions do you ask? What do you talk about to a 14 year old who’s 7 months pregnant with what could be your future joy, your baby? I don’t think that’s something you can google, is it? Gosh, think about all the stuff we have to do now! Baby shower, baby room (do I still love the bees if it’s a boy? I think so, definitely for now at any rate. Plus boys love bugs, right? We can paint all kinds of critters in the grass if he wants!), car seats – shoot, I need to go clean my car, so many things to think about and do and prepare for. I couldn’t be more excited! Well, I could be if I wasn’t tying to temper the euphoria with a little bit of reality. Anyway, big day! The first of many I hope!