how does it feel?

The Open Adoption Roundtable posted a discussion topic today...how do you feel after a visit? A little like you've been through an emotional sausage grinder, I think but hey! sausage is pretty yummy when it's done. Let me see if I can capture some of the feelings that ricochet around your heart and head and family after a visit.

Full of Love. We always say that you can't ever have too many people to love you. We are extremely lucky to have these amazing people who started as strangers and became part of our family. Our love for them is genuine, and so is their love for us. It's amazing how much love is out there when you open your heart to it. We chat about life and the weather and marvel over how amazing our kids are, like we would with aunts and cousins who live out of state. Thoughtful little gifts show how much they care for our whole family whether it's a special book that Bella knows Tagg would love, or a cute outfit that I know Juno picked out specially for Sloane. Sometimes my heart practically hurts and my eyes well up with tears, I'm so overflowing with love.

Blessed. How on earth did we get so lucky to have these amazing, perfect, beautiful children?! These people. That's how. These selfless young women and men, and their families, who gave us a gift for which there will never be enough thanks. We are blessed that they chose us, blessed with these amazing babies, and blessed that they are now part of our life and are willing to figure it all out and make mistakes and enjoy the wonderful...together.

Insanely lucky. We'll probably never win the Lotto. We must have used up a lifetime of good luck getting these adorable kids. But to get the extended family too? They are all, all of them, so special and wonderful and loving and normal (let's face it, that's a big one!). They are beautiful and smart and funny and fun. And they could have done this. But they made an incredibly hard decision and took a huge gamble on us. And I guess we gambled too. Open adoption takes a lot of trust, and a lot of openness. We've been lucky that everyone in this crazy relationship respects the relationship, and puts the kids first.

A little sad. Like I said, they could have done this. And I know that after every time we talk or meet for a picnic in the park, they have to leave their kids, and deal with the separation again. They have to file away those fleeting moments - a hug, a facial expression that reminds them of themselves as a child, the chime of a giggle that sounds familiar. Trying, in a few minutes or hours, to absorb all the change that weeks or months of growing up has affected on the baby they placed so lovingly in our arms. Hoping that they didn't say or do anything awkward, that they didn't push too much, hug too tightly. And wondering how long it will be till they can do it again. It makes me feel a little sad.

Relief. I think before every meeting, you work up in your head a list of all the worst things that could happen. From a bad hair day or an awkward conversation to a full-on meltdown or...who knows, random kidnapping attempt. Seriously, your head can get a little crazy. And when it all goes well, and you've added another brick to the foundation of trust you're building together, it feels good. And right. And you're relieved.

Wonder. How on earth are we doing this? How are we making it work? There's no book. No instruction manual. There are hardly even any good conversations online to help guide you (except this one of course). We're just winging it. And what's next? What happens when the kids are old enough to understand who Bella and Jacob and Juno and Paulie are, and how they fit in our family? How are we going to explain adoption to them? How do we make sure they know how much they're loved by all of us? What if, in their teen angst years, they don't want this relationship anymore and how do we help them and the birth parents deal with that? What if their birth parents "move on" and don't stay in touch, or what if some do and some don't? And when they have children that they parent, how does that relationship work? We know it's going to get easier in some ways, and harder in lots of others. I suppose we're going to keep walking ahead blindly, guided by nothing more than love and faith.