drinking games ain't what they used to be

I was indulging my guilty habit the other night...watching Teen Mom. And Scott, who suffers through this with much more grace and patience than I get through World Poker Tour re-runs, innocently asks me if Farrah's mom is an alcoholic or if she's addicted to prescription medications or something. So I obligingly Google the question and...bam! up pops "Teen Mom Drinking Game." Noooooo....really?! Does such a thing exist?! Yes, yes it does.

Two comments. Maybe three.

One. You could totally get hammered if you followed these rules during an evening, but only if you add in the ones suggested in the comments. Just the ones about when Tyler (who I love!) has his hat tilted and wears clothes too big would have me passed out on the living room floor about 52 minutes into an episode. I think I will add one to drink every time Farrah whines about being broke and then promptly goes on a trip, to the spa or has plastic surgery.

Two. It's kind of sad that teens, or whoever, made up a drinking game about the teen moms. But I think we all get the underlying tragedy of this game so let's just focus on the funny, ironic part shall we?

Three. Back in my day (insert old-people joke here), we knew how to do drinking games for TV shows! I will never forget the first time we got a bunch of girls together and tried to do the Friends drinking game. It was not pretty. Especially because we were drinking some kind of sugary sex on the beach crap and kamikazes on the rocks (kind of cute and sad, right? who does drinking games with THAT?!). So we start playing, rules printed out and set conveniently on the coffee table. Why? Oh yeah, there are FOUR levels of drinking: sips, gulps, chugs and drink everything in sight. And the attention to detail is just, well...you really have to try it to appreciate it. You'd miss 3 things while you were trying to find out if you were supposed to be drinking for 1 thing and then have to catch up while someone else made refills and you kept their "tab" open for missed drinks. Crazy. It was like 30-minutes of power drinking where we were just praying for commercials. Maybe that's why we only did it that one time. Here's a little sample:

Take a sip if...

• Rachel demonstrates her lack of understanding of the real world
• Monica anal-retentively cleans or straightens up (2 sips if it's not even her stuff)
• Phoebe says a "Phoebism"
• Ross gazes longingly at Rachel (2 sips if she notices)
• Joey doesn't understand something that should be perfectly obvious (2 sips if you didn't get it either)
• Chandler makes a deadpan smartass response to a stupid comment (2 sips if you predicted it ahead of time)
• any main character makes a sweeping generalization about the opposite sex
• anyone mentions or sees Ugly Naked Guy (2 sips if you're ugly, naked, or a guy)
• any of the main characters drinks any coffee product
• the exterior of Central Perk is shown
• the interior of Chandler's and Joey's apartment is shown
• any of the main characters' parents show up
• any of the main characters are shown at work (Rachel only counts if she is wearing her apron or holding a pot of coffee)
• any of the main characters hug (2 sips for a hug involving more than two main characters, or an exaggerated hug between any of the guys)
• any of the main characters asks "What's wrong?" (2 sips if followed by "Nothing, it's just that...")

So, bring it, kids! If you're going to do a drinking game, maybe do one about fake people whose lives aren't so tragic that it kind of makes you want to drink anyway, and do it good. Gotta go. We have a bunch of Friends re-runs on Tivo and kamikaze fixins in the bar...