mothers' day

My friends had sweet, all-smiley pix with their kids for Mothers Day.
This is our best take...Tagg wishing he was throwing rocks in the pond,
and Sloane going for my bracelet. At least my eyes are open.
Welcome to my mom life! I L-O-V-E it.

Mother's Day, for me, is an incredibly special day. There were days, years even, where I never thought I would be somebody's mom. I love my mother so much, and my mother-in-law and my aunts and so many of my friends are amazing, incredible and inspirational moms that I feel honored to be in "the club." Scott and I had a little romantic escape at Snowbird that included a lovely dinner, a hot tub with mountain views, and much-needed massages in the morning, and then we spent a fun-filled day with the kids. Perfect Mothers' Day in my opinion.

And then I got this text from Juno: Happy Mother's Day! I hope it is a great one :) love you all so much!

AND this Facebook message from Bella: I hope your Mother's Day is wonderful [: You deserve it! I think I could have interviewed every mom in the world, and still never found one that came close to you!

I cried a little. Happy tears. They made me feel...like a Mother. I'm not sure how to describe this exactly, because I feel like a mother every day when I'm with Tagg and Sloane. But I think somehow when you're an adoptive parent, especially one with such an open relationship with your birth parents, you feel like you share these children in a way. At least that's how it is for me.

Sure, you're their mom. You do all the hard stuff - diapers and discipline, patience and potty training, late nights and last-minutes, college savings accounts and clean up. But you get all the good stuff too - the hugs, the night-night kisses, the "firsts," the giggles, the random and hilarious comments and dances, and all those moments that make parenthood so delicious. But for me, I share these children with their birth moms. I'm aware, always, that I made a pact with them and our babies to be not just a "whatever" mom, but a great mom. And that's not always an easy promise to live up to.

So knowing that I not only get the joy of this handsome, clever, hilarious boy and this adventurous, lovely, whip-smart girl, not to mention the entire "mom" experience...and that they support me in the journey? That they appreciate me and respect our relationship enough to send those messages? Next to my children, that is THE best Mothers' Day gift I could ever hope for. And every success that these girls have in their lives is just a special bow on top. A bow that makes me proud and warm inside. I hope to get the same gift every year. It will just get richer and more special as time goes on.

I still never know exactly how to respect their place in this relationship. Hallmark doesn't make "birth mom" Mothers Day cards. And it seems like it could be offensive or hurtful, or something not right, to send them a card or an email acknowledging that it's their day too in a weird, unconventional way. No matter what, I hope they know that every moment of every Mothers Day and most days, we have them in our hearts and minds. Because without their mother's love, I would not be celebrating this very special day.

*There's an Open Adoption Round Table blog about Mothers Day...lots of great conversations that we are now part of...

love notes

I am not a huge fan of Valentines Day. Very un-girlie, I know. It just seems so manufactured and forced. Not that I wouldn't love some flowers or a little romantic dinner somewhere, don't get me wrong. I would just rather get a bouquet of tulips on a random Tuesday in May or have a lovely dinner out for no particular reason without seven billion other people celebrating romance because they're supposed to. Bah humbug!

The one thing I do love about Valentines Day is thinking about love. Being reminded how much love there is in my home, in my life, in the world. Loving love.

I was reminded of the love fest today when I opened the mailbox and there was a red envelope addressed to our family, postmark West Virginia. It was a Valentines card sending hugs and smiles...and love our way. From one family to another. To me, the best thing about open adoption is being able to share that love and caring. Across the miles and the months. I know that someday my children will have this tender history of the love that brought them to us and keeps us close to their birth families' hearts.

As usual, I am running a few days behind in getting my cards out. Doesn't seem to matter how early I start, I always end up late somehow. But I love the handmade cards we made for the kids' birth families. Their watercolor art is unique, special and beautiful with the drips and streaks —Tagg's are intense and bold and organized; Sloane's are arbitrary, free, delicate. I love them so much it's hard for me to be unselfish and send them off. A poignant reminder of the special gift that we were given. Maybe that's why I waited till the last minute to post them. So off these little masterpieces of love go, families joined by little hands and little hearts.

Maybe I am a fan of Valentines Day after all.

christmas kitchen nightmare 1

We have officially lived in our house for 10 years. I have officially hated our cabinets and countertops for about 8 of those years. The first two, I was just happy to have my own non-rented kitchen so it didn't matter so much. Plus we were never home and when we were, the counters were usually covered with...stuff.

It is now time to update this kitchen. Especially if Scott's prediction that we will "die in this house" has a shot in hell of coming true. I am not living with apartment-grade crap oak cabinets and gray Formica till I die. I have my standards.

Demolition meet inspiration. We have to figure out our official plan ASAP.
Where is the tape? And the vision?

We have been debating the future configuration of our new kitchen for a long time. And, frankly, I was the hold-up. I just couldn't decide what the best set-up would be for our new kitchen so it was impossible to commit to things like granite and cabinet colors and styles. And then, one day, we moved the kitchen table to simulate a big giant island and wah-lah! We had a plan! You can't really see it from here but we got it under control!

I really don't know what to do with this star. I kind of want to keep it
even though EVERYONE has one now. It's a reminder of my cutting-edge design skills.
The crap on the counters? That's all Scott.

It was like we realized how we actually use our kitchen. No matter what, everyone hangs around the center, the heart, the island. Dinner, parties, cooking. Doesn't matter. Everyone gravitates to the center of the kitchen. So we are building a big, giant island where we can gather as a family. And we booted the pool table from the front room, in spite of the fact that the kids love to "play balls" on it. That was looking like a recipe for a broken front window as they get older. So the dining room table will be in the front room so we can gather as a bigger family for holiday dinners or Sunday dinners or random weekday dinners. Or for game nights or craft nights or whatever. We may need to add some lights out there or our dads will cheat more than usual at cards and blame the low-light. Guys, we are soooo on to you on this one!
And, just for a little added pressure, we started this process December 1st. December 1st! TWENTY THREE DAYS before Christmas. We have our 11th annual Christmas Eve-Eve party on December 23rd where we take donations for the Road Home, and we get to hang with our people before they get sucked into family stuff and we never see them again.

The Girls at a Christmas Eve-Eve Party. New background in the works!

We will be done with Phase One in 16 days. Technically, today is Day 6, the day we picked our granite, bought cabinets, finalized the island design, sent the just-sold pool table to its new home, elevated the kitchen table to a dining room table, and started demolition on the kitchen. 18 days to Christmas. 17 days to party. Crazy work schedule. This is not lost on me. But I think we can do it. We rock when we're on a deadline! Stay tuned! And wish us luck. Or send help and booze. We'll probably need both.

This is how we are surviving the next two weeks.
It's this or no Xmas presents, Santa crap. Life is rough, kids.

And don't worry, if you haven't been invited to the Christmas Eve-Eve party it's only because we have to decide how many additional workers we need. We'll be in touch. :-)

the little things

I got a little note from Paulie tonight that was a big deal to me. I am a little weepy about it. I had posted a preview of some family holiday photos that we had done a few weeks ago on Facebook. Not gonna lie, they're pretty cute. Stinking adorable. Mostly because our kids are darling and our photographer is amazing. Maybe we're not so bad either.

So Paulie Facebook-messages me cuz that's how you do it these days and says, after letting me know he's almost done with finals (good boy):

"i just looked at some of the christmas pictures gosh he is getting soooooo handsome and sloan is just gorgeous you guys look like the perfect little family =] makes me the happiest person in the world"

That right there is the beauty of open adoption. You get to share all of this stuff, this great love, these perfect moments...these children, in a way that is so incredibly special and shocking and unique and wonderful. My heart is so full of love right now. We are all the perfect little family.

thanks a million

I love Thanksgiving. Not just because turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls and pumpkin pie are my favorite...although that's always been a big part of it. But mostly because it gets really easy to take all of the things that make life wonderful for granted and this time of year you get to revel in each and every blessing that you have. So here we go...

our little man.  
He is such a joy and a blessing and a gift. There's no way to describe how his big heart and sharp wit and around-the-neck-bear-hugs and 'emergency kisses' have made our life and our family so amazing. He has this little lilt in his voice when he says things like "Thanksgiving is for loving mommies and daddies" or "You wanna make a deal?" We are so incredibly grateful that Tagg is our son.

our baby girl 
Those big blue eyes. Sloane brings new meaning to love and adventure every single day. She will wrap her arms around your knees one second and scale the counter tops the next. There is nothing better than her belly laugh or her big kisses or her curiosity for life. She is our angel and our love and our miracle baby.

friends, family and crazy running stuff.  
I am grateful for my family and friends who do crazy things with me, like run 188 miles in 24 hours or get up at the ass-crack of dawn to run a 5K in freezing temps on Thanksgiving. And I'm grateful that I am healthy enough to run a block, let alone 6.2 miles in 63 minutes. Most every step is hard, but every step is a gift and I know that for sure.

sunrises. sunsets.  
Somehow the sky gets painted with these breathtaking colors and patterns that make me stop in my tracks. God, nature, miracle, call it what you want. I don't care. I love them.

freedom.
You ain't seen nothing until you've seen Sloane in the throes of the joy of running. In her Uggs and her leopard skirt-pants, baby mullet flying in the wind. She is the epitome of joy in life, all day every day.

love.
You can't ever have too much love in your life, we always say. And judging by the calls, texts, emails and hugs we got today, we are not lacking in that category in any way. We are so very, very blessed to have an extended family that envelopes us all with so much pure, unadulterated, unselfish love. It is beautiful and amazing.

special friends.  
Tagg and his cousin Ashley have a special relationship. They have grown up together and well, they just love each other. I have a lot of friends like this. The ones who love you even when they smack you or share their cold with you. No matter what, they are always there to hold your hand when you need it, or when you don't, and to give you their last M&M, even if you don't ask.

Scott gets the love. I am the ride. Did I mention that I also love little kids in footie pajamas?

my amazing husband, scott.  
I love this man. He is my best friend, my rock, my guy who will do anything for me as long as I ask with a smile on my face, and he is the best best best father in the world. He can out-play, out-patience, out-smart, out-love our children and me without a sweat...and that's saying something!

Seriously. Does it get any cuter than this?

suburbia.  
Normally I don't love living in the burbs but every once in awhile you find a reason to love it. Today, we had an epic Thanksgiving dinner with the family and then walked about a half-mile to see a zebra. Oh yeah. You heard me right. A ZEBRA! Like at the zoo. And a couple of emus, a goat and some horses and stuff. But seriously, a ZEBRA...named Zuri. We fed it grapes.

Here, goatie, goatie.

grandparents. 
Scott and I have unbelievable parents. And those parents make over-the-moon grandparents. It's a different kind of special love. It's beautiful to watch and enjoy and appreciate and be inspired by. And I love that our babies are embraced by that all-consuming love from all of their grandparents every day of every month of every year.

family.  
Sometimes a walk on a cool day is the thing you remember.
It's always the thing that you love.

football. 
I am grateful for DVR (thanks couch potatoes) so I could watch the games between chasing kids.

food on the table. 
We ran a 10K this morning to benefit the Utah Food Bank. They did a challenge recently to see if you could survive on food stamps for a month which basically meant you could spend 6 bucks a day on food per person. Uh, hello. That's my Starbucks budget. So we've tried it and failed. And I am so, so incredibly grateful that our family has more than enough to eat and that we can share with others who don't.

The spoon is actually sticking to Sloane's hand like magic. But really it's sticky Jell-o hands. I am thankful for Jell-O, especially when I'm sick or when my mom makes it for Thanksgiving with cranberries and nuts.

hope. 
I want everything for my children, my siblings, my parents, my family, my friends. When there is something that they desire, I want it for them and we will do everything we can to make it a reality. Today we know that the all promises of life and love and family continue. There are so many great things ahead of us, more joy, more love, more photo moments. And we are nothing but thankful. So incredibly thankful. Today and every day.