heart this

Valentines Day sucks. Okay, I'm not a romantic. Whatever. But this manufactured holiday totally bugs me. Shouldn't you just remember to say "I love you" and do nice sweet things for the people that you love all year long? Does it mean as much if someone (Hallmark and every other retailer) says hey! TODAY, FEBRUARY 14TH, you should tell someone you love them because today you obviously love them more than any other day of the year. It's so sweet and important and lovely ...  so DO NOT forget to give them overpriced roses, jewelry, chocolate, dinner, lingerie, yada, yada, yada...or it's obvious that you don't really love them, and you're kind of an asshole.

I think about all of my single friends who's single-ness is turned into something really sad and ugly on this day when really they should be celebrating their independence and the other love that surrounds them. And I think about my son, who may some day feel obligated to prove his love for some girl by spending money on a "thing" instead of doing all those cute little things that really make people feel special. And I think about my daughter and how she might feel if she doesn't get a card or chocolates or flowers when all of her girlfriends do. And I think about my husband who does so many lovely, wonderful, sweetheart things every day...does he really need to do something more on this particular day to prove his love? Not to me.

And what do you get your kids for this holiday? Chocolate? Candy? A teddy bear holding a heart? Have you heard this one?

"What says love to you? A teddy bear holding a heart. Available...literally EVERYWHERE! Because nothing says love like a teddy bear holding a heart." Hysterical. 

Yep, that's my anti-Valentines rant. Screw it! Every day should be Valentines Day!

like jerry sloan?

First of all, I found out that long-time Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloane was retiring yesterday...from Tagg's baby daddy. Via text. Is that weird? I kind of think it is. It did make me the coolest chick in the office because I was literally the first to know the breaking news and all the guys were like "what?!?!" Yeah, boys, I know what's going on in the NBA. But I was wondering, is it strange the Paulie would text that to me? In the mysterious land of baby-family-birth-family-open-adoption, that was one I did not expect.

I think I had those shorts. But my
hair was way bigger.

Even funnier, he says..."random question did sloane's name come from the coaches name?" I said "no, but we get that a lot" ...twice, counting you, actually... "it's from Ferris Bueller"... shit, will a 19 year old boy have a freaking clue that Ferris Bueller is a movie? from the 80s, before he was born, or that I totally envied Sloane and those gray cord shorts, the cropped white leather jacket with the fringe and don't even get me started on those suede boots? probably not... "and Entourage. both had cute girls named Sloane"...good call on the contemporary reference, I'm thinking. Way to make it cool, although I can't decide if basketball-junkie Paulie would think the hot girls are a better name inspiration than the longest-tenured coach in not just basketball but FOUR pro sports. Didn't have to wait long...next text: "well, she's well on her way to being up there with the amazing sloanes." Awwww...right? Cute. I think. Right?

Although I am really sad about Jerry Sloane.

the star quilt

When we met Sloane's baby mama and grandma today, they gave her a very special gift...a star quilt. Apparently it was supposed to be for Christmas but it took a little journey around the country to get completed. Well worth the wait!

Sloane's birth father is half Sioux and these quilts are a tribal tradition that started in the late 19th century when the tribes were relegated to the reservations, the buffalo herds had disappeared and the missionaries taught new ways to express their art through quilting. My mother is a quilter and I knew that there must be a story behind the design so I did a little snooping online and the stories are beautiful, and they make the meaning behind this lovely gift so much more rich and layered.

The triangular points of the star symbolize the quilter's reaching out from the middle star, which forms a circle. They reach out to loved ones, drawing them back to the sacred circle. When you are given a Star Quilt it is truly a gift of warmth and honor. Star quilts hold several symbolic representations of life, spirituality, and community for the Native Americans. It represents that it takes a community to make a whole.


The star quilt tells a story, just like the painted buffalo hides. The colors red, black, white, and yellow are symbolic to the Lakota. Black Elk is quoted as saying, “Black is for the west where the thunder beings send us rain. White is for the north, where the great white cleansing wind comes. Red is for the east where springs the light and the morning star. Yellow is for the south, where summer comes along with the power to grow.”

"Arise!  Arise!  Come see the morning star."  This centuries old call from the camp crier, as he rode through the Indian encampment, awakened the people to their day. For the Northern Plains Indians of the Dakotas, the sighting of the morning star still heralds a new beginning, a new day dawning.

And they sometimes hide little
messages in the fine needlework patterns
in the quilt. Found it!

I love that. Sloane's adoption was a new beginning for our family and for Bella and Jacob and all of us, as a community, will create a wonderful and whole life for her.

Apparently the women of the tribe often bestow these star quilts as gifts for a new baby, welcoming them to the family, so it's especially sweet that this one came from Bella and her mom and her mom's mom, and that they place so much value on Jacob's Native American heritage and want her to be proud of it and want it to be part of her. I love that Sloane gets to have some of this history and culture to weave into her life. We have a lot to learn, but it will be fun to do it together!

Of course, this also means I'm going to have to redecorate her room to match because it's so lovely. Great!

a first anniversary

It was a year ago yesterday that we got a random email from a girl I used to work with. I totally loved her - for the minute or so we worked together. She reminded me of Meg Ryan in her glory days. Perky, and bright and someone you want to be around. I'm not even sure how she got my email address but I'm glad she did! I remember reading, with shock, that she had a niece who was pregnant and wanted to place the baby for adoption. Since she knew we'd been through it, did I have any advice for her niece? Uh, yeah! Give that baby to us! We had literally just met with an adoption agency a week before and didn't really like them but we were starting the process. How weird is this?! Fate, anyone? So I tried to be helpful and let her know we were interested without being too, well, too greedy.

Sure enough that weekend I spoke with Bella's grandmother over the phone and she was amazing and had lovely things to say about her granddaughter and how bright and responsible and incredible she was. Before you knew it we had a first "date" scheduled. We met at Starbucks at the Gateway on February 8th. I had just flown back in from running the Surf City half marathon in California with Natalie and I was a little tired, a little sore, and completely nervous about meeting Bella and her mom. What would they be like? What if they thought we were dorks or obnoxious or something? What do you wear? What do you say? What do you order? (come on, you know a coffee order says a lot about you!) How do you even know if it's them? Do you just walk up to someone who looks pregnant and hope you're not about to make a horribly awkward mistake? It's literally like smashing a first date, job interview, meeting the parents for the first time all into one and then ratcheting up the pressure just a little bit more.

Well, the meeting ended up being wonderful. Bella and her mom were just darling and it almost immediately felt like we'd known them forever. We showed them the books we make for Tagg's birth family and talking about...I don't even remember what. I just hope I was making actual sentences that made sense. I remember walking away from that Starbucks, holding Scott's hand, with this overwhelming sense of...right. It's like a warm feeling that fills your heart, that teeters between the most hopeful hope and a twinge of fear that this amazingness you want so badly won't materialize.

fast-forward one year...

Today we went to meet Bella and her mom for lunch to kind of celebrate the one-year anniversary of our first meeting. They hadn't seen Sloane in almost 3 months and after a little rocky start where she burst into tears when we first walked into the restaurant, she was really good, as was Tagg. Sloane chewed on Sierra's necklace, ate a whole piece of corn bread and showed off her new teeth.

It was a beautiful day considering it's January in Utah, so we walked down to the Starbucks where we first met and had a coffee and took some photos to commemorate the event. Amazing to think that just a year ago, we were so full of hope and nerves and today it was like seeing family. We have this joyous, lovely little girl to adore every day and this special relationship. Pretty special.


Tagg made the most of the trip...in the water fountain. In January. In his clothes. He had a BALL! I guess I can no longer mock those parents who pack up a cooler and sit and watch their kids play in the fountain at the mall in the summer. After we said our good-byes, we headed straight down to Baby Gap and bought him some new, DRY clothes, all the way down to his shoes and socks. I'll bet that place makes a fortune off of water fountain-suckers like us.

The water damage is done. Tagg's new threads...cute and on sale!

happy new year!

Well, I'm only three weeks late getting the New Years blog up. I think that means I've broken a resolution! Or maybe that I never started any. Hard to tell!

We spent the night at Mark and Jenny's which was awesome. We had a ball playing with the kids and trying out our new Wii games. Dance Party is a riot. I'm not sure the video of us ladies rocking our Ke$ha is worthy of prime time, but watching Nikelle and Tagg mimic the dance moves behind us on the pool table is priceless!

Tagg managed to make it all the way to midnight, with a certain amount of encouragement from Nikelle who ran laps with him around the living room till midnight, after the dance party! Where do they get the energy?! Sloane didn't quite have that kind of staying power, thank goodness! And for some crazy reason, me and Tiff who are usually the first ones to sneak off to bed were on a tear that night. Must have been all the Wii-drenaline or something but we just kept going and going. Jenny finally called it at about 3:30...no more Wii, girls! Your babies are going to be up early! She was right. Like clockwork, they were wide awake at 7:30am. Luckily they were both up for family nap time that day! A pretty great way to start the new year!

Sloane snoozed through her
first New Year's Eve but she got kisses
from mommy and daddy and big brother.

Tagg's still learning how to "cheese."

Tagg & Nikelle take a break
from running laps in the living room.

Nikelle loves baby Sloane.

does love = presents?

This year, we tried to scale back on gifts a little. Our kids have a lot. A lot of toys, a lot of books, way too many clothes (thanks, mommy!). So we tried to go for simple. We were mildly successful. After 4 present-opening bashes at 3 houses, even "scaling back" seems like overkill!

Our kids' birth families, as usual, sent a ton of gifts. It was a little like Tagg's birthday where both families sent gifts for both kids. Tagg's birth mom's family sent a bunch of gifts for Tagg and a baby present for Sloane that we received on Tuesday. On Wednesday, Sloane's family sent a bunch of baby gifts for Sloane and some gifts for Tagg. The next day, we got a package from Tagg's baby daddy's family with more presents - and a gift for Sloane. Like how cool is that? Both of their families love these babies, and us, and embrace them with all of this love. It's like having a whole other set of grandparents and aunts and uncles. Very, very cool. So at Christmas, his birth fam sent gifts for him - books, clothes and games - and sent some gifts for Sloane. Sloane's birth fam sent her a pair of little bitty Ugg boots and toys for him.

The notable exception was Tagg's baby family. Paulie had said they were sending some gifts and when we didn't get anything, I didn't know whether to check in and see if it got lost or what. But then we got some text messages from him saying he wanted to get this fabulous (and expensive) Cars car, like the kind you can ride in. Turns out, Paulie is changing colleges, wrecked his car and seems to be generally a little stressed right now. And of all the things going on in his life, he's worried about sending Tagg presents.

I love that he wants Tagg to know that he's thinking about him, and that he loves him no matter what but I think the best gift for Tagg will be knowing that his baby daddy was being successful at school and his career, that he's making the most of the sacrifice he made. And I think that the texts (which I save) and the emails describing the care, and thoughtfulness, and generosity are a gift in and of themselves. They are the gift of love. And they don't need a bow.

what's in a name?

As we head into the new year, I want to start talking more about our adoption journey. But the birth parents are a big part of the story so what do I call them? Names that won’t give away their privacy. I am completely stumped. When Scott and I met Tagg’s birth mom, the movie Juno had just come out. (It still makes me bawl every time I watch it. I have to keep tissues nearby.) Tagg’s birth mom’s name is kind of similar, and although she’s not at all like that character, Juno kind of became our pseudonym for her. She was really young – 14 years young – and from a small town and it was and is important for them to keep her situation private. So when we talk about her outside the family, we call her Juno. Totally don’t know if that’s appropriate, offensive, or adorable.

 

The funny thing is that her boyfriend at the time, Tagg’s birth father, is a little like Paulie Bleeker. Well, his name ends with “ie” and I think he even ran track although I hope any resemblance stops before the sweatbands So, for the purposes of this blog, that is how they shall be known (until some movie mogul’s attorney calls and tells me to cease and desist). 

I think Bella and Jacob will be Sloane's birth parents' pseudonyms. She’s lovely and bright and strong-willed and he’s part-Native American and handsome. They are both very serene people, calm in ways that Scott and I are not and I kind of always felt like those Twilight characters were a little sedated. Perfect! So that works for now, but what do we call them when we explain everything to Tagg and Sloane? And how do we explain their parents, the baby-grandparents? 

I know people who call birth moms the “tummy mommy” but I think that’s kind of weird. We’ve been known to say “Sloane’s Baby Mama” or “Tagg’s Baby Daddy.” Again, the movie Baby Mama just came out so it kind of seemed right at the time. I sort of consider our birth families like my Aunt Kris who is this brilliant, joyful woman who loves everyone she comes in contact with like they’re her kids. And all of my girlfriends are “Aunt” whatever to our kids. So maybe they just kind of become different kinds of “aunts” and “uncles”, those special relations who get to love you and support you, put your picture on their fridge, send a gift for birthdays or graduation, and are just generally around to make sure that you’re happy and successful. That sounds like the right kind of vibe. A vibe without a name still.